We so desire for things to function as they were designed but this can trip us up when we focus so intently on it.
“What we focus on we give power to.”
Let me explain this further to help you better understand what I’m getting at. Here’s an example of what this could look like:
Say we are out at the mall or restaurant and my son walks before us. My expectation for the first person that goes before me is to hold the door for the followers. But most often what happens is he lets the door go and it either gets me in the face or whomever happens to be directly behind him.
The initial reaction that begs to come out of my mouth is in the way of disgust, a verbal scolding, criticism or perhaps I internalize it and let it build over time.
I’d like to suggest a shift here and that is to:
#1 Simply ask, and kindly make them aware of the need. Step hard on any sarcasm and instead say “Hey dude, could you please grab the door for me (or for so and so) ? Thank you!“
#2 Search for a gold nugget in him/her of where they DO take initiative or where their strengths are.
My son may not remember to open or hold doors BUT he volunteers to set up tables and chairs for school and church events.
I want to speak into what’s really relevant right now and that is YOU ARE HOME. Your KIDS ARE HOME. You are scrambling and trying to stuff everyone into some sort of schedule. We need some sort of rhythm, right?
Every kind of program, online learning, curriculum is coming at you so fast…how do you process it all?! Not to mention you heard that “these persons” kids are sitting so nicely, doing their work quietly and chores when told and YOUR kids are using the furniture as a trampoline and refuse to do much of anything!
We naturally want to threaten out of our need for control and I did this for YEARS and it always left a mark of shame. If not right away, over time.
Threatening led to disconnect and a breaking down of trust.
But what’s the alternative?
Shut off what EVERYONE ELSE is doing. You are not them and these CERTAINLY are NOT their kids.
Reading this sentence alone will give you freedom that you have wanted for a very long time.
You are not them. They are not you. Trying to fit what everyone else is doing into YOUR life was never meant to be. And this is not going to change. EVER.
Mainstream is blind leading the blind.
The only way to find out what’s going to work is to simply hang out with your kids and ask THEM. Mostly you’ll have to observe, cause most likely they won’t process in words. It’ll come through play and through time.
So, play games, cards, board games, put on THEIR kind of music. A lot of our conversations happen around our dog Arwen. We get on the floor to pet or play with her and we just start talking about stuff.
It won’t all come at once. Give it time. Love the learning.
Our boys detest workbooks so we do so much interactive stuff; learning geography, spelling and such is all done verbally while puzzling or Lego building.
Tell them stories about you or their grandparents. Kids love to know where they belong and where they come from.
I think our greatest fear is if we don’t get them stuffed with ‘all’ knowledge, keeping up with the latest and at a rate of what everyone else is doing—a) we failed them somehow. b) and what will other’s think or say?
But the GREATER of all these is RELATIONSHIP…an unbreakable connection between you and your child.
Put this ABOVE all fear and comparison and you WILL have a peaceful home.
Want more? I put together this podcast that contains life changing resources for challenging behaviors and how to navigate when days turn into disasters. It’s yours FREE right here “Does your child look typical to everyone else but fall apart at home?” Click here and follow the links to get that downloaded to you 🙂